I'm tired of being hungry but I know it is not hunger. No, for the first time in my life I am not craving anything. For days I haven't eaten and have become a starving mess.
I had one idea. This little girl told me she was hungry, so I went to her house and brought the chicken to eat. She said no, but she did invite me over for dinner with a few pals. Then we ate and ate until we got enough for all of us, and then we sat together watching Netflix. We watched as our neighbors' dogs played and the world turned upside-down. In the end, I got up without eating because there were too many people around and I couldn’t tell whom to approach for comfort.
We ate and drank until we got a little tipsy and we all went back to our rooms. We stayed in bed most of the night because we didn’t want to be awake when everyone else was asleep. It felt good to finally sleep. The next morning, as I stared at my pillow and listened to the birds tweeting out their songs, a knock on my door woke me, and a tap on my shoulder. "Hey," I heard. "Come in!" I opened it expecting to see one more person standing inside waiting for me to get up. Instead, I saw his face; they were all of them.
I lay down next to him and took in the familiar smell of fresh cologne, the sound of his feet on the dirt floor, and the gentle feel of warm skin. There was no way I would ever forget him. Or any of this. If I did, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would just be something new, like making love.
I thought he must have fallen asleep after we made up and he'd just slept for two hours; maybe it wasn't such a big deal to take time to fall asleep after a long day and two hours. At least I wouldn't be awake, so I could eat later. My stomach growled at the thought of eating right now. Only I didn't have to worry to find out if I could do it or not, because I would already be satisfied with whoever was sitting across from me. I think right now it was an easy decision.
What did I do? I wondered as I lay across from him. His hands rested on my legs and the warmth of his body wrapped itself around mine. When I kissed his lips I knew I missed having him there. But maybe I should sleep.
I couldn't just say no to another kiss. So I kissed them one more time. Then another. After that, there was nothing else to be worried about. What would I do if they found me a bit hangover? Would I run out to him? Could anyone spot me? Or is there anyone who wants to hear?
I kissed him one more time, hoping it would work. Maybe I'll be all right after all. Maybe we have a problem. Or maybe we don't. Maybe this whole thing isn't worth worrying about. We don't even have sex anymore. We just kiss, and it works. Maybe tomorrow at 11 AM, I’ll have to go to class and then we can make up again after lunch. Or maybe I’ll fall asleep with him in the dark until the sun comes up. Because maybe what matters is this is going to be better than waiting for someone else to fix everything.
That's what I thought about it, anyway. Maybe tomorrow, it will all go away and I'll be fine. I guess I didn't have to worry. They probably wouldn't know. I don't care about anyone else. And as for tonight, I'll eat the rest of the chicken. He likes to cook, so I bet he's getting a new meal every day. Even if it's just me and him. Then we can just stay here for a while. Just sit here and watch TV until it's all over.
Maybe I don't want to live forever. All this waiting might not seem like much fun. And maybe tomorrow wouldn't even be too late to start living for a moment. Then maybe we can be happy together. Maybe someday, I could just wake up and realize we're both still alive. If I'm lucky, that will be as close as possible to death and life. Just think about it. You know you can always leave tomorrow and come back tomorrow. Why make things complicated? It just doesn't seem scary if we all get to go home before everyone else. We can just live inside our heads.
But I can't wait for when we can sit together in front of the television and just watch. When we can just laugh and enjoy the TV show without having to worry about losing it as soon as the credits roll.
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